Father-Son Reversal
As we grow older the time will come when our father-son relationship will be reversed. For me that event occurred in August 1974. I was 35 and my Dad was 67.
As a child I had a typical relationship with my parents; one that was based on dependency, obedience and affection. Everything I did required some form of parental approval and down deep I always wanted to please them. In every major decision from selecting a college to buying my first car, I turned to my father for both advice and his stamp of approval. Of course he rarely disapproved or encouraged me to make a different choice. I took comfort in knowing that he supported and I am suspect that my Dad liked that I confided in him.
In August 1974 my parents rented a cottage at Hampton Beach, NH. The house was located about a block from the beach, boardwalk and convenience stores. My Dad began to complain about pains in his legs that prohibited him from walking the block to stores and activities. I asked him if he had talked to doctor and he said that our family doctor was treating him for arthritis but he wasn’t experiencing any relief. So I suggested that maybe he should consult with another physician. He promptly responded that it wouldn’t be necessary.
I wasn’t satisfied with his response but I knew he needed different medical attention. So I went off on my own, consulted with others with medical backgrounds and made an appointment for him to see a specialist. When I told him what I had done, I expected him to push back but instead he agreed.
After being tested and evaluated by the specialist we had a meeting in the doctor’s office; just the doctor, my Dad and me. The doctor explained that the aorta in my father’s stomach was blocked, causing him to experience circulation problems in his legs. The doctor went further to describe the surgical process of replacing his aorta with a synthetic one while emphasizing the relatively high risk. Remember this was 1974, long before heart bypasses and other heart surgeries had been perfected.
After listening to the doctor my father turned to me and asked, “What should I do?” I remember that I was somewhat stunned but I quickly replied that he should do it; that I didn’t think that he had much choice. The surgery was successful and recuperation was lengthy, but both my Dad and I knew that together we had made the right decision. More interestingly from that time forward, I became an integral part of every big decision by my parents, from buying their condo, buying the next new automobile, to managing their finances. Our father-son relationship was reversed forever.
The doctor advised my Dad, a 3-pack-a-day smoker, that he needed to quit and that he shouldn’t drink alcohol. My Dad never drank very much, so that wasn’t an issue. Nevertheless, my Dad went cold turkey and never had another drink or cigarette the rest of his life. He lived 14 more years but unfortunately the smoking had taken its toll and he died of lung cancer at age 81.
In those 14 years following the relationship reversal I found myself becoming more communicative with my parents, more involved in their lives and more sensitive to their needs. As though I was the father and they were the children.
As a child I had a typical relationship with my parents; one that was based on dependency, obedience and affection. Everything I did required some form of parental approval and down deep I always wanted to please them. In every major decision from selecting a college to buying my first car, I turned to my father for both advice and his stamp of approval. Of course he rarely disapproved or encouraged me to make a different choice. I took comfort in knowing that he supported and I am suspect that my Dad liked that I confided in him.
In August 1974 my parents rented a cottage at Hampton Beach, NH. The house was located about a block from the beach, boardwalk and convenience stores. My Dad began to complain about pains in his legs that prohibited him from walking the block to stores and activities. I asked him if he had talked to doctor and he said that our family doctor was treating him for arthritis but he wasn’t experiencing any relief. So I suggested that maybe he should consult with another physician. He promptly responded that it wouldn’t be necessary.
I wasn’t satisfied with his response but I knew he needed different medical attention. So I went off on my own, consulted with others with medical backgrounds and made an appointment for him to see a specialist. When I told him what I had done, I expected him to push back but instead he agreed.
After being tested and evaluated by the specialist we had a meeting in the doctor’s office; just the doctor, my Dad and me. The doctor explained that the aorta in my father’s stomach was blocked, causing him to experience circulation problems in his legs. The doctor went further to describe the surgical process of replacing his aorta with a synthetic one while emphasizing the relatively high risk. Remember this was 1974, long before heart bypasses and other heart surgeries had been perfected.
After listening to the doctor my father turned to me and asked, “What should I do?” I remember that I was somewhat stunned but I quickly replied that he should do it; that I didn’t think that he had much choice. The surgery was successful and recuperation was lengthy, but both my Dad and I knew that together we had made the right decision. More interestingly from that time forward, I became an integral part of every big decision by my parents, from buying their condo, buying the next new automobile, to managing their finances. Our father-son relationship was reversed forever.
The doctor advised my Dad, a 3-pack-a-day smoker, that he needed to quit and that he shouldn’t drink alcohol. My Dad never drank very much, so that wasn’t an issue. Nevertheless, my Dad went cold turkey and never had another drink or cigarette the rest of his life. He lived 14 more years but unfortunately the smoking had taken its toll and he died of lung cancer at age 81.
In those 14 years following the relationship reversal I found myself becoming more communicative with my parents, more involved in their lives and more sensitive to their needs. As though I was the father and they were the children.